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How to Score, part one: Abelnomics

Author: Philippe
Posted: 01 Aug 2004 the beginning, the Awesome looked out upon the cold, quiet, and dark land and he said unto the darkness, "There shall be Rock and Roll." And it was so. And Team Totally Awesome didst sample the Rock and Roll. And it was written about. And it was good.

Upon having groovy beats, The Awesome decided that there should be color. And when the darkness thought about how to make color, he proclaimed "Eureka!" and drugs were bestowed to the Awesome. And Team Totally Awesome didst sample the drugs and the alcohol. And it was written about. And it was good.

But though sprinkled with the occasional primer about body modification, the Vice which the Awesome sought was still missing something! Something to keep the cold at bay. And The Awesome did cry out for something. And thus from the swirling colors and music came sex. And Team Totally Awesome didst sample the sex. And it was good. But not written about. Until now.

Ladies and Gentlemen: the subject of sex.

Akin to the articles about drugs, this one's going to stay a simplistic sort of general kind of thing. And as with everything, we should start at the beginning. to Score. Part 1.

The most important and most fundamental thing when you want to score is not technique, good looks, charm, wit, or intelligence.

The most important thing you need is a chick (or guy, depending on gender/baseball team). Someone in your bed that's not you.

"That's idiotic," you scoff, "Why even bother saying something so obviously known?" Well, my friends, believe it or not, some people don't understand this. I see it all the time. People don't have anyone to score with, and they sit in the corner of a club writing poetry like the non-fun-having pussies they are. They're not meeting people. They see a girl and think "maybe she'll come up to me.", check it. Very few, if any, girls are going to do that. Put down your sketchpad, stand up and get a drink, and socialize, you wussy little piece of shit.

One man saw the error of just sitting in the corner, however. One man -- and let's face facts, he was not exactly Prince Charming. He was a loud and abrasive egomaniac. A touchy feely sort of dude who if born a few years earlier would have worn velvet suits and sported a thick mustache. Drinking high balls and trying to coerce women into coming back to his velvet covered condo with promises of drugs and booze. It sounds a bit harsh but I feel this to be true and here's the important thing. -- that man got more play than a seesaw at a playground.

This was a man who when he invited me to his wedding, demanded that I wear a victorian era costume with a sword. I refused to do this. He told me that it was necessary part of me being at his wedding. To make a long story short, I skipped the wedding and we haven't spoken since. This is a man named Abel.

Abel taught me one thing, and it was such an important thing that I made up a word to describe it: Abelnomics.

Basically, what Abel figured out is that it doesn't matter how bad a person you are -- you will probably be attractive to some percentage of the population.

Now no matter how ugly you are, surely you can look at yourself in the mirror and say, "One percent of the population finds me attractive." Perhaps it's more? Perhaps it's less if you're really lame and repulsive. But for simplicity's sake, we'll say one percent. you depressed about that? One percent seems low, right? Well, worry not. All you have to do is ask out a hundred chicks. Be prepared, then, for 99 to say no. And it's possible that they will; hell, it might be 120 chicks that say no. But odds are that you'll find one. Just don't fear rejection. Isn't math fun? Abel understood this. Abel would ask out a hundred girls. He felt no shame in being turned down 18 times in a row. You know what? He went home with someone every night. No fail. Abelnomics.

So, there ends lesson one. You ain't getting laid if you don't have a chick. Luckily, getting one is ridiculously easy even for your sorry one percent ass. Remember, too, you're probably doing better than one percent. Doesn't the task of getting some poon seem less daunting? So, go up to everyone and say hello. Flirt, don't be sketchy, and try to smell good. Though even those things aren't necessary.

'Til next week, this is Philippe The Crimson Assurance, signing out.

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