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Drugs 101: Opium. A drug so good we just had to make a bagel out of it

Author: Philippe
Posted: 01 Aug 2004

Well, now. In my first ever request, ladies and gentlemen, I proudly present to you this week's drug awareness column on something so incredibly good that the human race just had to put that shit on a bagel.

Yes, folks, it's opium! Yeah, OK, so nobody puts opium on a bagel...that I know of. Of course, some people do put poppy seeds on bagels and you can't understand the magic that is opium without understanding where it comes from. So sit back, pour a glass of wine, and put some Kula Shaker on the stereo as we get right into it., first and foremost, not all poppy seeds have opium-yielding abilities. However, quite a few do. The most common of these is Persian White, or Papaver somniferum (I think that's correct; the translation was a bit off in some places). Persian White is the most common, basically, because it's the easiest and cheapest to grow. The bulb is slightly bigger then normal poppies, so logically you can get more of that sweet, sweet juice. Dry the juice from the poppy seeds and BAM, you've got yourself opium. The stickiest of the icky.

Opium is nothing more and nothing less than that, in fact. It's not a chemical (though it has plenty in it). It's more or less just poppy seed juice concentrate. The chemicals that you'll get the most use out of are morphine and codeine. I'm assuming you've heard of them. Mix in a few other chemicals with slightly weaker, but similar, effects and you can understand why so very many people loved the stuff. I mean, who doesn't love narcotics?

Well, perhaps you don't. But I've had brief love affairs with a few of them. Opium, in fact, just once. It was so serenely beautiful. You know, in animated films, where the cat and his family finally find peace? You know how it's very colorful because it's a cartoon, and there's music playing in the background? As fucked up as it sounds, I felt like someone in that cat's family. Truly awe-inspiring greatness.

Then I woke up, however. Several hours had passed, and I had a huge headache and an amazing craving for more opium. I looked around and found some, and then thought about it for a minute, put the opium down, left the house I was in, and never did it again. There, my friends, was a drug that I was going to easily get addicted to. So be careful -- narcotics are a hell of a thing. It's also possible, though improbable, to overdose on opium, so be careful (I say improbable because, for the most part, you'll probably be well in la-la land and not need any more for a while before it becomes too big of a problem). However it makes you feel, though, it is a stimulant, so yeah, just be careful., onto the legalities. And the legalities are confusing as all hell. What I said above was mostly true. Most poppy seeds can't produce opium...that is to say, it would take a lot of your bagel seeds to do so. All poppy seeds have narcotic chemicals in them. In fact, on Mythbusters, a show on the Discovery Channel, they ate three poppy seed bagels and were able to test positive for heroin. The chemicals are there to be had. Yet some poppy seeds are legal and some aren't.

It really depends on what state you live in, to tell you the truth, which kind of poppy plant is being grown, how much of it there is, and whether or not it's being cultivated. That's the tall and the short of it. It's impossible to say. Luckily, you can feel free to call your town hall and request a list of illegal plants and weeds. If a certain poppy isn't on there, you can more or less feel free to grow it and get the juice. You won't get much, and I'm not telling you how to do it, but it's legal. Sort of.

Opium, however, is not legal. So once you make it, I wouldn't sell it. Actually, I wouldn't even smoke homegrown, but that's just me. I'm off on a tangent now, and I'm not sure how to get back.

Life is pain. Luckily the world has offered a cure.

But yeah, this shit is really fucking addictive so if you're going to do it, be really, really careful and, as always, trust your dealer. Hope that helps! See you next week!

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