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Drugs 101: Steroids, with shrinking-testicle goodness!

Author: Philippe
Posted: 01 Jul 2004

Hi, everybody!

Hi, Dr. Phil!

Well, perhaps "Dr." is a bit premature, what with the fact that I've taken two whole weeks off from studies of various illegal substances. I'm slipping down a slippery slope. It's a horrible day. Or it would be, if I wasn't currently writing a new drug article for all y'all crazy drug addicts...erm (and by drug addict I mean responsible adult who takes things in moderation...unless you're a junky in which case you can go fuck yourself...with a cactus)., here we are again. Bit of a change-up this week, as we're moving into an entirely different branch of drugs. Anabolic steroids! I got the idea when Tony mentioned that I hadn't written a drug article in a little while, and then sent me an article about Brock Lesnar. Now, I'm not saying that former WWE Champion Brock Lesnar takes steroids, but it sure as hell looks like he does. I suppose when he gets his first quad tear at NFL training camp we'll know for sure.

Anyway, back to the point at hand. Steroids. Steroids are a drug derived from testosterone. Testosterone, as we all know, is what courses through our manly physique, makes our muscles grow, and also makes us want have sex with everything that moves when we get to about age 13 or so. Now, steroids do have many approved medical uses, but for our purposes we'll concentrate on the illegal ones.

Interesting side note first, though -- for many years I was a volunteer at the Special Olympics. While I normally hate admitting the fact that I do charity work, the story is relevant. Anyway, a lot of the kids who compete have various muscle problems and heart problems. So, tons and tons of the kids are on steroids. Legally, of course, but I always thought it was kind of funny, that the only sport that admits usage is totally allowed to.

However, back to the people who don't use them legally. Athletes looking for a better physique (sort of) and a lot more muscle mass. Most importantly, putting the pounds on QUICKLY. The reason steroids work as quickly as they do is that abusers are usually taking hundreds of times more than a normal dose. Not only that, but they often will take multiple kinds of steroids (kind of like in EQ when you stack buffs). there's a lot of people who use them. According to the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration's National Household Survey on Drug Abuse, over a million adults have admitted to using steroids at one point or another.

And for what? Well, you get muscle mass, and that's about the one good thing. You look good. And you look big. And luckily, the side effects only include most of the following: shrunken testicles (that pretty much sums up me never trying the things), reduced sperm count (stick that one in the pro column), impotence, infertility, baldness, painful urination, growing boobs, and growing yourself an empire-sized prostate (eesh).

But that's not all! Women can look forward to facial hair, shrunken breasts, a deeper voice, a large clit (I swear to god that's true) and a fucked-up period cycle.

And then there's the roid rage. Wow. This drug kicks ass!

However, if muscle mass is what you desire, steroids will in fact work. You'll be bigger, stronger, and have a lot more endurance. But seriously, the shrunken testicle thing freaks me out.

While normally I try to keep an open mind about drugs in these articles, I'd say it's not worth the risk. However, it's your body, so do what you gotta do, use everything in moderation (damn, except these things, seriously) and make sure you trust the person giving you the drugs. 'Til next time, I'm out.

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