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How to Score, part two: Opie's adventure

Author: Philippe
Posted: 21 Sep 2004 back. How'd you do? Did you say hello to a hundred girls? Did you get rejected by a hundred? Did you keep going or did you give up like the One Percent loser that you are? Well O.P. ...hey. There you go, I'm-a call you Opie from now on. One Percent, O.P., Opie. Get it? Good. If you kept at it, congratulations, you now have a girl that's willing to go on a date with you.

Now that you've said hello and exchanged names with your soon-to-be lover, it's important to go over some rules of how to make her keep wanting to go out with you and/or just sleep with you and get the hell out of your house in the morning. It's not rocket science, but a few handy tips are good to have. Ready?

Rule Number One: Nobody likes a pussy-whipped mama's boy

It's not that girls don't want to date a nice guy. However, it's amazing when you look out at the world around you and you see a huge number of your female friends dating "jerks who don't care about them and cheat on them." Well, speaking as a one of the jerks that has dated a girl you were secretly in love with and cheated on her, I can tell you why women date us.'s simple attraction. Girls and guys date who they're attracted to. If you're an attractive jerk, you're going to score with a lot more girls than a non-attractive nice guy (ed. note -- Johnson can vouch for the other side of this). Being a nice guy or a jerk has nothing to do with it. How you look doesn't have all that much to do with it, either. You can be an extremely attractive person without being the best-looking. Most importantly, though, as stated above, nobody likes a pussy-whipped mama's boy.

Rule Number Two: The girl you're dating is probably smarter than you

Not necesarily in the brain department, but, at the very least, they're a thousand times better at reading body language than you are. If you want to have sex with them, they'll know it. If you want to kiss them, they know that, too. Since they're aware of what you're about to do, you might as well just be bold and try it.

They may pull away. If they do pull away, then move on. Don't try to kiss them again right afterwards. If they turn their head and you keep trying to kiss them, they're going to read that as "desperate loser." Laugh off the rejection and ask her out on a second date. She might just not want to fuck you on the first date. There's absolutely nothing wrong with that. Number Three: Money and cars aren't everything

Granted, they do help a lot. If you want a shallow woman who's incredibly hot yet incredibly stupid, feel free to show up in your Porche. You won't be getting any inside the car (it's a very small space), but at home she'll be all over you and trying hard to hide her boredom. Any other type of girl, though, doesn't care all that much about money. Just have enough to pick up a round of beer if you all go out. Living in New York, London, or Paris is nice as well. Who needs a car? Nobody, especially a hip city kid like yourself.

Rule Number Four: Centering

Be funny, but not obnoxious, and dance in the middle of the dance floor. Go to a club or bar where you're sure that you'll see your friends, particularly if you think you'll see any female friends of yours. Introduce her to everyone. Everyone likes a popular person, even if you're only popular at the local goth club. Number Five: Mopping up

You've convinced her that you're popular, you don't care about money, and you have a strong personality. You've had a wonderful first date, in fact. It's entirely possible that you'll get her to go on a second date with you. Congratulations, you're the man. Don't be a jackass. Just relax, keep talking, and nod your head a lot. If she doesn't at least like you, then forget the frigid bitch and move on to someone who's more into the same things you are or, alternatively, a big fat slut with a big sloppy pussy that doesn't smell very good who'll fuck you, your dog, and anything that moves.

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