Team Totally Awesome
Opinion/Editorial Reviews Humor Vice Advice Boobsquad Forums


Author: Philippe
Posted: 16 Oct 2005

I want you to imagine a bar. There are drinks, there are people smoking cigars, and the place has a good number of people. Now I'd like you to imagine that if you go to the front of the bar and give a dollar to a pretty girl, she'll do the following things: (1) she'll be naked and gyrating, and (2) she'll put her boobs on your head.

Well, partner, that sounds like a good time, and no mistake. You are in a strip club, and strip clubs are awesome. (I should know, I've been to strip clubs...about five times or so.)

Now, you might want to go to one of these clubs. However, if you do go to one, it's important to behave. Non-behaving gets you beaten up in a parking lot by several big guys called "bouncers." They are called bouncers because of the way they'll get your head to bounce off of the concrete when they're thrashing you outside.

So, lets learn how to behave in strip clubs. To make the experience easier to understand, I'd like to introduce two people. Meet Doofus and Diligent. They both like titties, they both like vaginas, and they both have just wandered into a strip club. However, they act in completely different ways, with surprising different results at the end of the night. Here's their story.

1. Diligent dressed up nicely for the strip club. I'm not talking about a three-piece suit, but he definitely looked stylin'. Doofus asks why he should bother doing this. He's paying the girls, anyway, right? Should it matter what he looks like?

Well, strictly speaking, if it looks like you have money and you don't look like a creep, the girls will pay more attention to you. Diligent also remembered that strippers are people, too, and a girl is simply more attracted (not necessarily in a sexual way, mind you) to someone who's clean and smells nice.

Doofus has chosen to wear a ripped Metallica shirt and some purple sweat pants. He doesn't smell good at all. See strippers. See Diligent. See strippers visit Diligent's table more often.

Moral: Don't dress like a jackass and girls will pay more attention to you.

2. Diligent is a man who knows what he wants. Tonight he wants a girl named Mandi. He knows it's not her real name, but he understands the business. Diligent would like Mandi to be gyrating on top of him in a private booth. How to go about that? Diligent got up and chatted up Mandi. At the time, she was just standing near the stage and not talking to any other men or women. He asked her for the lap dance and she agreed. Success! Diligent ends up with Mandi on top of him.

Doofus, on the other hand, acted differently. A stripper that he didn't like came up and asked if he wanted a lap dance. He rudely shunned her away. He then went and started to bother the cocktail lady about a lapdance. She says "no." Doofus then said "come on, baby," and slapped the waitress' ass. Oh noes! Here's comes Mr. Bouncer! The bouncer asks that he not touch the ladies, Doofus asks him to mind his own business. Doofus has just become Mr. Bouncer's business. A headlock and a beatdown in the parking lot ensues.

Morals: Know what you want and be up front and direct when asking for it. DO NOT be a dumbass and ask the cocktail waitresses for a dance and DO NOT touch the ladies. Ever. (Unless specifically asked, which you're not going to be.) Also, if a girl asks you for a dance and you're not interested, a simple "not right now, maybe later" will do. Strippers have feelings, too, so try and be polite.

3. Diligent has been feeding bills to a woman all night. She'll be walking out with over a hundred dollars of his money. Oh Noes! He seems to be out of money and is a little bit drunk. Mandi the stripper has decided that she needs more money tonight and has winged it to another table. Diligent understands that this is just a normal part of the business. He's seen a lot of boobs and he's seen plenty of V. He calls it a night, goes home, rubs one out, and wakes up the next day ready to face the world.

Doofus has had way more to drink and is far drunker. He, too, has been feeding money to a stripper. His girl for the evening has been Candi. Candi's been at the club for ten hours and she's tired; she politely excuses herself. Doofus apparently thinks that he's owed a little something extra. He starts following Candi around and tries to get back in the dressing room. Doofus has just become Mr. Bouncer's business. A headlock and a beatdown in the parking lot ensues.

Moral: These girls are doing it for the money. It's a business arrangement. You get to see tits and they get money simply for showing them off. Leave it at that.

4. Lastly and not leastly: Diligent has given a small gratuity to almost everyone in the place. He's asked their names and, when he wants to leave, he walks out with dignity.

Doofus hasn't tipped anyone. He's touched more than one girl and at the end of the night starts yelling and making an ass out of himself. Doofus has just become Mr. Bouncer's business. A headlock and a beatdown in the parking lot ensues.

Morals: Don't be a jerk, tip everyone well, don't get too drunk, and, for god's sake, don't touch the girls. Don't pull a Doofus. He ended up bleeding at the end of the night. If, however, you act like Diligent up there, you'll end up feeling great! Hey, you've just seen more boobs than you have in the last month! Feel good about that.

With that, we're done. Thanks for reading, everyone! And, as an aside, if there are any strippers out there who either agree or disagree with anything I've said or have their own tips, I'd love to hear about them; I'll even put them on the website!

 ·  Read 3 comments

  · site updates
  · exclusives
  · previews
Video Game Reviews - Insult Swordfighting
Mitch Krpata's Video Game Reviews - Boston Phoenix
The Pop Cult
Only Paper Dolls
Morphine Nation
Landing Party Records
More pimpin'...
All text, images, and design ©2003-2018 Team Totally Awesome unless otherwise noted