Putting the Pheeling back in Necrophilia...
One can rarely mill about in the New York singles scene for long without overhearing some distraught female or another bemoaning the fact that "all the good ones are gay or taken." Whenever I hear the cries of these damsels in distress, I can only shake my head and gently clue them into the truth of the matter the best ones are all, in fact, dead. But that's really no reason not to date them.
I know there are dissenters among you. Even the most desperate of socialites will give me the odd look when I offer to set them up with my cousin Ronnie, a really great guy who died in a car accident a couple years back. But these are clearly people who have not experienced the many advantages of dating the undead. And just between us, once you go zombie, you never go back. Just look at the facts:
1. When you talk, they listen
Sure, we'd all love to meet a man who wants us for our minds. However, given that in male anatomy, the brain is in a constant turf war for blood flow with his nemesis the erection, we can safely assume that's just not going to happen among the living male population. But try the undead! Zombies are more than happy to listen to you prattle on about your day, and they will grunt in response, just like a very attentive living guy. And c'mon, they're zombies wanting your mind is their whole thing!
2. You're in charge
So many relationships require an investment of time and emotion to pan out, and once they do, the results are uncertain. As evil zombie master, all you need to invest is a little voodoo and some chicken blood and you've got a 100% devoted boyfriend on your hands. And as his zombie master, he'll do anything you say.
3. Detachable moving body parts
No time for that morning quickie? Just sever a hand (or something else), throw it in your bag, and wear a long skirt to work. No regular guy has that kind of range. And you can put him back together later.
Now that I have extolled just a few of the virtues of zombie love, I'm sure you'll all be rushing to your local graveyard to check out the prospects. Before you grab a shovel and go a'raising, keep in mind that there are a few tricks to a successful zombie love affair:
1. Start slow
You may want to practice on the living first. All you need is a guy without much personality, and an insatiable appetite for sex. I'm sure you'll have no trouble finding one, but if you're in New York, I'd recommend checking out the Upper East Side.
2. Keep a lot of fresh brains on hand
That's pretty much all zombies need to go all night. But deny them tasty brain-matter, and they can be very single-minded (heh) about getting some. Your offer to give them some head might get taken the wrong way.
3. Choose wisely
Once you raise a zombie, you've got a non-stop life companion. Don't go raising anyone you aren't going to want to keep around for a while. True, you can get rid of them if push comes to shove, but it's not that much fun to chop up your undead ex-boyfriend with an axe and burn the remains. That's only fun when he's still alive.
There you have it a quick, easy way to remedy that sad life of solitude stretching out before you. Turn in your rotten boyfriend for one that's great (and actually rotting). And fellas, don't think I've forgotten about you. Zombies are the number 1 preferred partners for skull fucking! They don't really mind when you do it (like the living), and it's a lot softer than other options (like dating a skeleton). So get in there and have some fun!
But people, remember to cherish your zombie partners love like this comes along only once or twice in your (un)life.
To read more stuff by Trixie, head on over to bitchingandmoaning.org.