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Confessions of a Psycho Girl: A don't-do guide to gender relations

Author: Trixie Bedlam
Posted: 13 Dec 2004

She grabbed me by the hand and said, "Don't criticize what you don't understand"
She showed me a butcher's knife, and said it taught her a lot about life
I'm stuck with a psycho girl
I think I'm gonna get hurt
Psycho Girl!

- The Mr. T Experience

I have a new theory on the division of labor between the genders. It is the role of the woman to drive men crazy before they have sex with them. Then, after the sex has been had, it becomes the man's job to drive women crazy in return.

Don't act like you don't know what I mean. Hey! Don't look away from me, don't screen my fucking calls, I'm trying to tell you something important. Listen, no wait, just listen, let's back up a second. It doesn't have to be this way.

See, I think the problem is that there are some basic social misconceptions at work beneath the framework of casual sex. These misconceptions fuel an unspoken fear among men that drives them to do the things that make these misconceptions a reality. The cycle continues, leaving girl after psycho girl in its wake. Here's the basic breakdown, with normal type indicating the cruel reality, and italics providing gentle suggestions to improve communications:

1. Men fundamentally believe that women want to get married to anyone that they sleep with. As soon as the penis goes in, possibly before, men are convinced that we girls are picking out china patterns and naming the children.

Gentlemen, get over yourselves. Women these days are not trying to catch themselves a husband. The ones that are already married their high school sweethearts in a fit of misguided insecurity. Unless your lady friend is in her early thirties and talks a lot about wanting to have children, the reality of the matter is that we are probably thinking about how to get you to fuck us harder.

2. Prompted by a desire to have the sex without having to get married, men believe that it is necessary to "trick" women into thinking they are interested in them for the long term. This trick is considered well-executed if the man can get off and get out of the apartment without proposing. Anything short of proposing is considered acceptable trickery. Favorites include referring to going out again in the future, talking about what you look for in a relationship, and asking for a phone number the morning after. Guys who do these things the first time you fuck them are more or less untrustworthy characters.
Gentlemen, how about you actually be a man about it? Don't fuck ladies that you feel the need to trick. You're sexy, viable guys, just find a like-minded girl who wants to get down. If you wait to go home with someone who is clearly on the same page as you are, it eliminates the messiness afterwards. It also gives you perfect moral high ground to walk out directly afterwards, no muss, no fuss, no cuddle.

3. The thing is that women actually like to have sex as much as men do. For some reason this is a guarded secret of girl kind, because admitting we want it too puts us at a disadvantage during the driving-men-crazy part of the program. So most girls I know will have the sex anyway, even if there is obvious trickery on the part of the man. The problem is that this leads men to believe that their tricks are working, and they have successfully put one over on you.
Ladies, when you catch a man attempting to pull off one of the classic tricks, either pre- or post-sex, call him on it. Do not let this behavior slide, no matter how bad you want a dick in you. If possible, postpone the sex and tell him he isn't fooling anyone. Don't fuck him until he cops to it.

4. So then you fuck. It is good, or bad, then it is over and it's time for someone to go. This is where a very deep fear strikes most men. It is the fear that the woman is going to cry. Guys really don't like it when women cry. In the same way that an infant crying invokes an instinctive reaction to pick it up in most people, the mere idea of a woman crying sends most men into a state of ball-curling terror. To reduce the chances of this happening, and to ease the exit phase of the "trick," most men offer up the phone number exchange.
People, don't give your phone number to anyone you don't want to talk to again. This is a dirty thing to do because it really does indicate a desire for further contact, when in reality nothing is farther from the truth. Ladies are not delicate flowers, and believe me, we would rather know a thing for what it is then spend the next week wondering if you are going to call.

5. Now the man has had the sex and made his escape, but there is still the final stage of fear. This fear is best represented by the movie "Fatal Attraction," where Michael Douglas fucks Glen Close, and she goes completely insane and terrorizes his family. He has successfully extricated himself from the casual sex, but now there is the lingering concern that this woman is going to show up and demand that he set the date for their wedding.
Gentlemen, if you have followed the italics to this point, you should be setting the scene for a much lower fear level. You have been clear about your intentions, and this gives you carte blanche not to think about it anymore. It also increases the chance that you have made yourself a potential new casual fuck buddy.

6. At this point, any contact, whether accidental or initiated by the woman, becomes "psycho girl" behavior. If she calls, e-mails, or even runs into you at a party, the man assumes that she is here to cash in on the implied relationship that was part of the trick. This causes him to be standoffish, patronizing, and vague in an attempt to keep her from boiling his daughter's pet rabbit.
Ladies, it's good to be casual, friendly, and, above all, brief the next time you run into your one-night stand. It is not a good idea to make out randomly with someone else around them, because it reinforces the idea that you are a slutty slut girl who is a slut.

7. This is the point where the perfectly normal, right-minded girl starts to go insane. It isn't that she is crushed by the prospect of not getting to marry you, amazing stallion that you are. It is more likely that she resents the fact that you are assuming that this is the case. In many cases, that follow-up contact might be her attempt to demonstrate how totally okay with the situation she is. The fact that she gets treated like an unstable mental patient understandably breeds resentment. It also makes her feel like a whore, or at least as though she is being perceived that way.
Gentlemen, if you are nice, normal guys, who are simply interested in commitment-free sex, then act like it. There is no need to make a girl feel used, disrespected, or disregarded the next time you see her. On the other hand, if you are a macho chucklehead who actually enjoys making women feel terrible about having fucked you, then you deserve to have your pet rabbit boiled.

8. Now we girls are caught in a classic catch-22. Anything we do or say around this guy will be interpreted as the psycho girl rearing her ugly head, and be met with extreme skepticism at best. Most notably the phrase "I'm not a psycho girl or anything" is not going to work to your advantage here. Yet, if we just walk away from the situation entirely, we contribute to the general sense among men that tricking women into having sex is a flawless system. Any remotely feminist woman wants to be able to have casual sex without reinforcing bad habits in men, or never being able to talk to them again.
Ladies, if you reach this situation, it is best to just walk away. Once you've dug yourself into the psycho girl hole, it requires extreme social finesse to regain lost ground. Doing things like showing up at his work or hanging around with his friends are extremely bad ideas. However, if you had mutual friends to begin with, there is nothing wrong with letting it casually slip to one of them on a drunken night that he does, in fact, have the smallest penis in the entire world. Serves him right.

9. At this point, there is simply escalation. The men act progressively more skittish as the women act increasingly crazy. No one is the winner here. At this point, if everyone has been reading the italics, there should be civil and courteous relations that set the stage for a new era of safe, fun, casual sex with no hurt feelings, guilt, or fear. Everyone is a winner.

There you have it. Nobody had to get married, and nobody had to feel like a whore. And many more people wander around with that happy, vacant, "I just got the shit fucked out of me" look on their faces. I don't know about you, but it sounds like a good time to be had by all to me. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go vandalize this guy's mailbox and put his pet rabbit on the stove.

Many thanks to my good friend Olivia the Man-Eater, one of the most socially savvy girls I know, for helping me to write this article.

To read more stuff by Trixie, head on over to bitchingandmoaning.org.

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