Team Totally Awesome
Opinion/Editorial Reviews Humor Vice Advice Boobsquad Forums

I got beat up in a bar!

Author: Alex
Posted: 01 Oct 2004

Smithtown, Long Island Townies Save the World from Lex

I've been visiting some of Meaghan's old friends in Smithtown, and one of them, Amalthea, recommends "Saints and Sinners" as a good place to dance and socialize. So, I go in my goth regalia (boots, skirt, collar and Amalthea's forehead goggles). Dan's in his civilian clothes.

So we get to the bar and it's metal night, with "Bile" headlining. Dan saw them twelve years ago, and I'm down for anything, so in we go. "The Ancient Enemy," the penultimate act of the night comes on, and they're pretty good, such that I'm absorbed in rocking up at the front of the crowd. Dan's just behind me.

I found out later that at some point, the security guy goes out for a smoke. When he does, this chubby kid on my left with sideburns and a Type-O-Negative shirt kicks me. Now, I've been in many a mosh pit, and catching an elbow or a foot is just part of the fun, but this kid kicked me. So I'm thinking, "This guy's nuts," and I'm moving away when a skinny guy on my right in black fatigues and bmx gloves kicks me square in the chest, like karate-style.

http://www.ociojoven.com/ezimagecatalogue/catalogue/variations/150x500/113963-150x500.jpg Street fighter tip #1

"If you're in a fight, don't kick, because it just makes you look like a dick. Or if you do kick, wear boots, not sneakers, and aim for the ankle or knee, so you don't get your foot caught."

Now I'm standing there, holding onto this guy's sneaker thinking, "What the fuck, I'm UNDER ATTACK." While I've got his foot, the guy in fatigues is floundering, not able to get his balance, just for a couple of seconds until I let him go. But now I've made him look stupid in front of his friends, a shame which can only be washed away with blood.

Somebody, probably the Type-O kid, grabs me from behind and puts me in a headlock. Now I'm completely baffled, wondering "What the hell am I doing in a headlock?" as he's punching me in the head. Nothing hurt yet. I push out of the headlock and get punched in the face by the guy with fatigues. Dan pulls somebody off of me and el Fatigue puts me in headlock, pushes me against the bar and punches me in the head some more. By the time I squirm out of that, it's over.

http://www.bobagirl.com/anime/misc/capcom-street-chunli-face.jpg Street fighter tip #2

"If you have someone in a hold, don't punch, because you can't get any weight behind the blow. Instead wrench, crush, or gouge!"

When the band noticed what was going on, they stopped playing. The bouncer, thinking the band had blown a fuse, came in to see what was going on and broke things up. I heard el Fatigue yell "Held my foot!" and "That German!" probably referring to me. Someone gave me some ice for my eye and we went outside. The door security dude apologized to me, saying that those guys are there all the time starting fights but they're friends with the owner and buy a lot of drinks. He said I should really look out for people with "Thug Squad" shirts, or "TSNYC" shirts, or, or... he listed like five things. Like I should go clubbing with a field guide to assholes.

http://www.ociojoven.com/ezimagecatalogue/catalogue/variations/150x500/44451-150x500.jpg Street Fighter tip #3

"Fight where you're already good friends with the bouncer. Give him a free tee shirt if you have to."

We went back in for a couple more Ancient Enemy songs, and then left. I came down off my adrenaline rush and felt shitty for about an hour. After that, Dan messaged Amalthea, who thought we should call the cops. We thought about it, and at about 2:30 we called. They came and we went back with them to Saints and Sinners.

The bar was closed, but the guy in Fatigues was still there in back. The cops arrested him, and they took pictures of me and took a statement. The guy spent the night in jail and was arraigned in the morning.

http://www.shinmugen.net/gifs/capcom/Bison/bison-badazz.jpg Street Fighter tip #4

"After you win a fight, leave. Losers come back with reinforcements."

The only funny thing was the bar owner came out to the squadcar when they were arresting that guy. He offered me free admission for life if I let the whole thing drop. Because I want to go back there all the time.

The next night, I went to "2686" in Levitton and had a prime night out. I danced my ass off until 4:30 and got hit on because my bruises made me look mysterious. Rock.

http://www.cannonspike.com/CamFan/capcom/vs-games/mshvsf-zangief.gif Street Fighter tip #5

"Listen! If it leads you to score a hot chick, only then have you truly won the fight. It's true!"

 ·  None posted

Subscribe!
  · site updates
  · exclusives
  · previews
Video Game Reviews - Insult Swordfighting
Mitch Krpata's Video Game Reviews - Boston Phoenix
newmoanyeah
Morphine Nation
Only Paper Dolls
The Pop Cult
MAGGERific Designs
More pimpin'...
All text, images, and design ©2003-2017 Team Totally Awesome unless otherwise noted