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Jungle to jungle

Author: Blake
Posted: 05 Sep 2004

I've seen them all over town, sported by douchebags and morons alike. T-shirts proclaiming "I SURVIVED THE BLACKOUT," as if this were quite a feat.

As you may recall, in August of 2003, we suffered a massive blackout in the northeast. It was another chance for the citizens of New York City to pat themselves on the back for not going on a murderous rampage, something that many of my fellow New Yorkers struggle with on a daily basis.

The people were amazed by their ability to walk a few miles on a hot and shitty day without looting, raping, or killing. Holy Shit. The Amish would've been proud of us that day, if they'd had a fucking TV or radio on which to hear about our plight.

But I'm not so sure that this was a such an outstanding accomplishment. I mean, the power went out. Whoop-de-fucking-doo.

So every now and then, you see some dip-shit wearing a shirt, bragging about it. And now New York City has a new bullshit reason to kiss its own ass. Prepare for the shirts: "I SURVIVED THE REPUBLICAN NATIONAL CONVENTION."

Yeah. This time it's mostly the mayor and his bitches who are claiming that this was a victory over some invisible monster. Never mind the fact that they illegally detained a shitload of people for walking down the wrong street. This year, we arrested more protesters than they did at the 1968 DNC in Chicago, despite the much lower level of violence.

"But wait," you say, "wasn't it justified by the super-duper terror alert level orange? Or yellow (I can't keep that fucking chart straight)?

No, you damn ass. It wasn't. Because if you'll recall, on September 11, 2001, we were attacked. What else was happening that day? Was it a political convention? No. Was it a G8 summit? No.

The special occasion was that it was a Tuesday. And as we all remember, Tuesday night was once Kids' Night at Pizza Hut. What's that, you don't think Pizza Hut had shit to do with the attacks? Well, I don't know, maybe we should run it past the Senate and see what they think.

The government expects us to believe that they were afraid of bombs, rather than opinions. That was the bullshit excuse at the last G8 summit, which was held on Crab Key, you know, Dr. No's secret island of Doom. And that's why the city of Boston provided a "free speech zone" for the handful of protestors at this year's DNC. It's so much easier to shut you up when they convince you that it's for your own good.

But even if you don't believe that they're pulling this shit intentionally, does their thinking make sense here? As I pointed out earlier, September 11 was just a regular fucking day. There was nothing going on. That's just one more reason that it was so fucking terrible. It must've been part of the terrorist's plan, to inspire fear in us every single day, not just on special occasions like political conventions.

So if we need that kind of security for the bigshot summits and conventions, don't we need it just as much on any random day? I don't know if any of us are really prepared for that.

But Tom Ridge is getting us there. Now you can put yourself into the Registered Traveler Program. Put your ass under a microscope weeks before you get on a plane, rather than minutes. That should work without a hitch, especially when you remember that despite all of the security at the RNC (FBI, Secret Service, National Guard, and a shitload of different police agencies), around a dozen protestors actually made it into Madison Square Garden, in four or five separate incidents.

I, for one, can't wait to sign up for this thing. Now I can show up at the airport twenty minutes later, and tell myself that the government actually knows what the fuck it is doing. They're not trying to keep me in line, they're trying to keep me safe, right?

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