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Girlfriend 3: On vampires and how to slay them

Author: Philippe
Posted: 30 Aug 2004

http://www.mediacritica.net/courses/400/Overheads/HomeAlone.jpgHaving given up on the idea that I was going to get laid at a reasonable age, I suddenly found myself much more relaxed about girls and sex in general. Being relaxed led to more self-confidence, and the confidence led to me finding number three on the big list of girls that I've dated.

At this point in my life, I had dated a few girls. However, I realized that you could date someone without them being your girlfriend. It's ridiculously easy and fun. I highly recommend that everyone do that. Date whoever you want and just remember to leave Saturday night open for your best girl.

The best girl in this situation happend to be Anastasia Gay. She was a freak, my first dabble into the area of dating goths. I really liked her. I also really liked the shocking amount of road head I got while I was dating her. Her parents, of course, hated me.

This was mainly because I was fucking their daughter and they knew it, but mostly because I would always pause just slightly before saying their last name. "Hello, Mrs..." and after half a second or so, Mrs. Gay would shout "Gay" really loud, which would, in turn, make me giggle just a little bit. So they weren't thrilled with me.

http://hem.passagen.se/danmarc/images/vodka.jpgThe reason Anastasia and I broke up was, well, it's a bit complicated. As such, I'll tell the story from the beginning and see where we go.

About four months into my dating-Anastasia phase, my father decided, in his infinite wisdom, to take a trip and leave me at the house on my own. Since he trusted me, he didn't feel it was necesary to tell me not to have a party. As such, I felt it was necessary to do exactly that and invited everyone that I knew to my house. Including the girl.

Ana started drinking white wine, I was drinking vodka, and everyone else was drinking pretty much anything they could find in my father's liquor cabinet. At around midnight Ana's parents, who were frantically searching for her, finally decided to give me a call, threaten police action against me, and tell me, in no uncertain terms, that I should bring their daughter home ASAP.

As I was drunk and she was drunk, it seemed unlikely. But then, through the darkness, came a knight in shining armor: my friend Bagel. Sober and, while not exactly having a license, he knew how to drive. The situation being dire, we loaded Ana into the car.

http://people.zeelandnet.nl/wbekkers/images0302/drunk-smoking-kitty.jpgAt this point, however, Ana was so drunk she was barely comprehensible. She just sort of babbled and cried a bit. We tried to make her drink some coffee, but she wasn't having it. Off we went, then, the half mile to her house, hoping that we didn't come across a cop.

At one point in the ride to Ana's house, we passed through a small stretch of woods, and it was here that Ana cried out to stop the car. Having had drunk girls in my car before, and having learning a valuable lesson about how much they can vomit, I told Bagel to stop the car. He did, and Ana went off into the woods telling us that she was just going to pee and she'd be back in a moment.

Fine, then. Everything is peachy. Bagel and I light up a cigarette and smoke it. No Ana. How long does it take to piss? Maybe she was throwing up?

We listened. Silence. We yelled out her name. Once again, there was silence. We got worried. Bagel and I went out into the woods to look for her and hope that she wasn't dead. About thirty feet in or so I tripped over something and was shocked to discover it was my girlfriend. Lying on her back, passed out drunk, pants around her ankles, in a puddle of her own urine. Nice. She was breathing, however, so I thanked my lucky stars, and Bagel and I set about trying to get the half-naked girl into my car, hoping that no one passed by and called 911 to report two kids stuffing a half-naked, unconscious, teenage girl into the back of my Ford. Bagel drove on and I worked at trying to get her pants back on, which was an arduous task.

http://www.radiohelsinki.fi/images/drunk_pumpkin.jpgI accomplished it as we approached the house. Ana was now completely passed out; Bagel and I carried her to her porch and laid her down, rang the doorbell, and prepared to run. Unfortunately, the door opened at that exact moment and I said, "Hello Mr...." and the man yelled "Gay" louder than he'd ever done before, which caused Bagel and I to giggle, and that just made him mad.

Mr. Gay yelled at us for about ten minutes, in fact. It then occurred to me that I had left a bunch of drunks in my house with no supervision, and told him so, and Bagel and I went driving off into the night.

The next day Ana came over. She said she had snuck out of her parents' house and, more or less, jumped me. I, being a young man, obliged. During the course of us getting it on, she bit my neck. So hard, in fact, that she drew quite a bit of blood. I was annoyed but I figured "Hey, we all get carried away sometimes. It was just an accident."

http://www.heavyboots.org/interests/creepygirls.jpgThen, after we were done, came the horrible truth. She was worried that her parents would make her break up with me, so she wanted me to know everything. She got off on drinking blood and had been wanting to drink mine for some time. I had no idea what the hell she was talking about. She explained it again. She told me that she considered herself a vampire and wanted to do some bloodletting ritual with me that would strengthen our bond of love, or something. To this end, she had brought over a knife and a wine glass. I backed away just slightly. She tried to explain, again, but couldn't do it well because, at this red hot minute, I had gotten her out of the house.

Etc. You see the point. I broke up with her. Adding, just slightly, to my habit of not trusting girls. Now, it seemed, not only would they remove a limb, but they'd want to drink my blood as well.

Just once, I swear, I'm going to date a normal girl.

Stay tuned to this serial, though, because the next chapter includes a nice story about how Tyler and I met. Any guesses as to who the girl involved was? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller?

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