Ok, I have a plan that I'd like to put into effect almost immediately. I think that Tyler would be down for this plan, as well.
Hear me out, this gets good. What I plan to do is find some way to go back to school. Back to college and live in the dorms. See, Tyler? The brilliance?
Ever since I miserably failed out of college because I essentially drank a bottle of vodka almost daily and had an undiagnosed anxiety disorder which kept me inside my dorm room as much as I possibly could be. It was not a pretty sight. Hell, it's why I had so many damn parties at my dorm room. I could only ever go to one class and the Haven. I had no money and received daily blow jobs from the girl who lived one floor down.
Where are you, Liz! Why can't I find you!?
Anyway, that style of college is old and busted. I think I deserve a second chance, so here's my plan.
1. Accumulate all of my previous school records and see how many credits I have.
2. Write a book and publish it.
2. A. Show the book to every school in the country until one of them gives me a full scholarship (assuming the book is good, which I think it will be, as it's a third of the way done and it's very funny).
3. Take the full scholarship and start attending classes. Move out of my apartment and into a dorm room.
4. Be looked at as weird because I live in the dorms and I'm 25, but not care because I have free food every day and no bills.
4. A. Get free beer every day because someone will want beer and my price will be a six-pack.
5. Possibly fuck a 19 year old mathematics major.
Ladies and gentlemen: the perfect plan!
I simply don't know whether or not the "publish a book" thing will get me into school. Luckily for all involved, I can lean back on my family just a little bit, and get a job at Starbucks or something.
Then, after 2 years of the good life, I graduate with honors and a marketing degree.
Then I get a good job that pays well enough that I won't be considered part of the poverty problem in this country.
Presumably pay back my student loan in record time because I know how to live on an extremely tight budget.
Buy lots of video games and the new Gameboy DS when it comes out. Actually, scratch that. Work for the marketing department of Nintendo of America, designing commercials for their products, and get all the free shit I can possibly lay my hands on.
While I'm at school I can also play a lot of World of Warcraft, and finish my album and find a band, to pass away the time that I'm not studying (while at the Conservatory I discovered that studying helps me to graduate with a 3.7 average instead of my dismal 0.7 that I got that first year at UMass).
Then I'll just sit and grin, and the money will roll right in.
And Tyler can go back to school, too.
How does that plan work for everyone?