Posted: 06 Nov 2004
Within the last few months, I have found myself with a Starbucks coffee beverage in my hand on any number of occasions. Having never set foot inside a Starbucks prior to this little binge, I, of course, had to start asking myself a lot of hard questions. Is this right? Have I sold out? Am I really OK with the whole idea of a five dollar mocha frappacino? Luckily, I came to a conclusion that both absolved me of guilt and allowed me to continue drinking these delicious liquid treats that no doubt contain crack. They are that addictive.
It's OK to drink Starbucks so long as you're not paying for it and hate yourself while doing so.
This statement leads to another bevy of questions. How do you not pay for Starbucks? Can you really hate yourself while imbibing something that tastes like a Snickers bar but is loaded with caffeine?
The answers, my readers, are as follows:
To not pay for Starbucks, there are two options. The first, and simplest, is to make friends with an employee there. Just my luck, I'm friends with two, so damn near every time I walk into that fetid pit of commercial decay I am greeted with a free drink of my choice.
Your other option is to begin working at a Starbucks, but I'm not really sure if this is worth it. Though you would get all the free coffee you could drink and hook up your friends, thereby taking the company, a monstrous peddler of overpriced pick-me-ups, down from the inside.
So, now that you've obtained your free Starbucks drink, how do you hate yourself while drinking it? I mean, it really is delicious; it's hard to have negative thoughts when that sweet nectar of coffee bliss hits your tongue. The trick is simple. With every sip, just force yourself to remember every terrible thing you've ever done in your life. That way, though you will still have the flavor of your drink of choice in your mouth, you will despise yourself to no end for the duration of the experience.
Now that you've been taught how to drink Starbucks, I say that you should run out to the location nearest to you and begin this two-point plan. If you're unsure on how to get there, remember, it's right across the street from Starbucks.