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Three cheers for fat chicks!

Author: Philippe
Posted: 15 May 2004

Yes, three cheers indeed! But this is not an article describing why I like having a bit more cushion for the pushin'. Nor indeed it is an article relating fat girls to mopeds and how they're both fun to ride until your friends see you.

No, my friends, this actually about why hot girls like fat chicks. And vice versa.

It's a phenomenon I'm sure we've all witnessed at some point or another. You walk into a bar or a club with three other dudes. Meander up to the bar, order some drinks and grab a table with a good view of the TV. There you sit, drinking and laughing and trying to look cool, when four women walk into the establishment.

Three of these women are thin and one of them is a bit chunky. They get drinks and sit at a table near yours. For whatever reason, they're interested in you guys. They look over and whisper to each other, giggling and getting intoxicated. Some quick math reveals that there are four of them, and four of you guys.

But then there's the fat chick.

Why, you ask, would these three seemingly hot girls be hanging out with a girl who's not remotely in their league? Why? Why!? For fucks sake why!? Well, I'll tell you.

Clearly, it has everything to do with the fat chick, and a little something Einstein called "Relativity".

To explain further, let's look at this example.

Two spaceships are in space, flying along. They're both moving at the exact same speed. Without a frame of reference, though, it would be impossible to know how fast the ships are traveling. In fact, if you couldn't see any stars or planets or giant aliens made out of boobs, it would be impossible, really, to know whether the ships are moving at all. If, however, one was moving at half the speed of the other, you could have a reference to how fast one was moving in relationship to the other.

Still with me? Good. Now take out spaceships and put in two girls.

The two girls aren't setting the world on fire exactly. Were you to walk down the street and pass one of these girls, you wouldn't exactly turn your head for a second look. It's not that they're ugly by any stretch of the imagination, but they're mediocre enough that you figure "Why waste energy turning around? If I keep walking I'll see another girl of her caliber in a minute anyway." Relatively speaking, there's no difference in either girl.

However, take one of those girls and throw her near a fat chick. All of the sudden there's a difference, and a big one. You first look at the fat chick, simply because there's more of her to notice, and then you see the friend. Woah! Suddenly it's not how hot is that girl on a scale of one to ten. Instead it becomes this: compared to the other girl, the thin girl is a ten!

And you take a second look because, in your mind, you've equated the thin girl with the number ten.

Back to the bar. The three girls are hanging out with their token fat friend to make themselves look better by comparison.

We still, however, have 2 small problems.
A. There're four of you and only three "hot" girls.
B. The fat chick isn't stupid, so why would she let herself be used by the thin girls?

Let me answer the second part first. You're right, the fat girl cannot be that stupid, and in fact she's not. She knows her place in the group, and while nobody ever says anything, the other girls also know her place. She, however, needs the hot girls.

Alone, the fat girl in the bar is going to draw absolutely zero attention and boys who aren't exactly the best-looking dudes in the place. With the thin girls, however, we get the following bit of business.

One: If the guys buy drinks for the girls' table, there is absolutely no way in hell you can get away with just buying drinks for the thin girls. Therefore, the fat chick gets a few free drinks.

Two: The three thin girls will probably attract the caliber of boys that the fat chick wants.

This brings us back to our first small problem. Basic math points to the fact that there are four of you and four of them. One of the guys absolutely has to talk to the fat girl. If she feels left out, she'll cry foul, and the thin girls may lose their coveted fat chick. One guy then must take a fall for the team in order for everyone to get laid. Thus, the fat girl knows that by hanging out with three thin girls, her chances of getting laid are increased, the caliber of guy increases, and she gets attention and drinks she wouldn't have gotten otherwise.

Thus, the relationship between the thin girls and the fat girls is a symbiotic one. Everyone goes home happy.

Wait, Philippe, what about the dude that has to go home with the fat girl? How is he happy?

Check it. Fat girls are usually way sluttier than the norm. They're a hell of a lot tighter, usually, and seem more willing to try freaky stuff in the bedroom. And let's face it -- after enough beers, you can pretty much justify anything to yourself, and then just quietly sneak out in the morning. So there you have it. The Fat Friend Phenomenon explained.

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