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Got a visitor who's worn out their welcome?

Author: Team Totally Awesome
Posted: 07 Jun 2004

Dear TTA:

I live with a couple guys, and we are all pretty good friends. Unfortunately, one of the guys has an on/off girlfriend who comes over every day. She just comes over and sits around in the living room while he uses his computer. He is totally unwilling to cut ties with this girl. How do I get rid of her so I can have my living room back?

Stuck With Chick

Tyler and I had this exact problem at one point. What we did was to start saying the phrase "Until you start paying rent, you can go fuck yourself."

Unfortunately, she took the advice to heart and decided to move in. Without asking Tyler or I. However, our rent was lowered considerably every month. Changing the phrase to "As you don't pay rent, you can go fuck yourself" might be a better idea. Do that, and then just start being rude. Pretend she's not there, change the channel to what you want to watch, and turn up the volume if she complains. She may hate you, but she won't want to hang out in your house, either.

You have a right to your space, but your roommate and friend also has the right to have company. However, it sounds like he's not any more interested in having her around than you are. Have you talked to your roommate about this? I'd suggest you bring it up to him and ask him to talk to her and make it understood that she should only be coming over when they are actually hanging out.

Ok, I think we've bored the cops away. Here's my real advice. Get yourself a bag of lime and a hacksaw. Kill her and bury the body in the basement. Play it cool. You may even want to say that you're going to be out of town, but really rent a hotel room nearby. Come back in the middle of your "trip" and do it then. I'll bet your roommate won't even notice. Good luck!

It seems as though your best option is to push all that resentment deep down inside until it becomes a palpatable ball of rage and hate. It should be the first thing you taste when you wake up every morning and, as you fall asleep every night, the bitter, acrid poison should keep you awake for hours, thus fueling your rapid descent into madness.

Once you think you're past the limits of human tolerance, let it go another week. Test your boundaries. If you can't learn from an experience, then what's the point?

Then, and only then, start letting it manifest in your actions. First, padlock your bedroom door. This is war, and you can't let your guard down. Every beer that comes into the apartment, every pizza, everything edible, even cigarettes -- start introducing trace amounts of poison. Nothing to garner suspicion at first, but enough to make people sick. Slowly increase the amounts of toxic chemicals as you go. Then bring in bigger, more noticeable things. Scatter the couch with broken glass. Walk around the apartment naked on a regular basis, talking to people who aren't there. This is best if done with a raging hard-on. After using any dishes, smash them in the sink. You know, things like that.

If this doesn't work, then I can't help you. Good luck.

What I think you need to start doing is begin a schedule of doing things that said chick will find repugnant, such as walking around the house completely naked, dribbling mustard from your disgusting sandwich onto your chest. Other things in this vein include farting a lot, watching porn at all times and leaving snot/cum rags all over where she likes to sit. This will rid you of your nuisance in no time.

However, if this doesn't work, the one fool-proof scheme is to call the police. Tell them she broke into your home and she won't leave. You could even assault her, if you feel like your life is in danger and all the exits are blocked.

And, finally, you could just kick her the fuck out of your house, like a man.

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