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Short dude seeks spotlight

Author: Team Totally Awesome
Posted: 23 May 2004

Dear TTA-

I'm a 15 year old Jewish kid who plays guitar in a rockin' band.  Sure, I've got it made- rich parents, nice house, all the sophomore girls I can handle, and a neat haircut.  Here's the problem- I don't get enough recognition for my work in the band.  Everyone pays attention to my schmuck lead singer!  No one realizes I'm the braeins (spelling?) in the band and I want to be properly recognized.  Plus, I'm really short.  Is there any hope for this aspiring rock and roll star???

Unappreciated in Scottsdale

Platforms, my man, it's all about platforms. High shoes. Look at freakin' Ronnie James Dio or Glenn Danzig. No one knows they're both actually 4' 6". Shit, wait, nevermind, they're lead singers. What about, you know, making more of a presence onstage in general? Throw shit around, break shit, bleed a little. Especially if it's some sort of Christian folk band or something, that'd be awesome. And totally unexpected. I guess what I'm getting at is that you've gotta make it happen yourself. Can you sing? Singing backup occasionally might make people more aware of you standing there behind the half-stack. Oh wait wait wait, I've got it. Insist on putting an ass-kickin' guitar solo in every song, even the ballads. You'll be reeling in those junior and senior chicks in no time, I tell you what.

Oh, and I'm curious -- how is it that you can spell "sophomore" but not "brains?" Just curious.

Well, man, having never been in a band myself, I'm not really the one to go to here. Really, though, it sounds like your problem is the same that plagues all rock stars that aren't lead singers. My advice to you is just to keep rockin' out. Eventually, people will notice that you're the actual talent behind the band and you'll get the recognition you deserve. Alternately, you could spin off and do a solo project, putting the spotlight soley on you. Anyway, don't despair, man. It'll all come together for you eventually, and in the mean time you can nail groupies to make yourself feel better.

Here's the thing. There's nothing wrong with not being the frontman. I'd advise you to actually get a lower profile. Grow a soul patch and be as mysterious as you can be. Start bringing strange things to school and having an impromptu show-and-tell during English class. Tell everyone that you're allergic to all liquids, including water. Talk about your pet skeleton. But most importantly, copyright the songs under your name. Then, if the band breaks up, take all the songs and prove to the world that you are, in fact, "The Man" and that the singer is just a shmuck. Remember, though, you're legally getting high school sophomores. I mean, how bad can it possibly be?

I would advise him to buy some shoes with thick soles (maybe some boots or something), and grow the neat haircut out into an afro, or perhaps a mohawk.

Actually instead of shoes with thick soles, buy some cleats. Tell everyone that they are your "magic shoes." Ask if you can practice acupuncture on freshmen.

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