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Dork needs to know how to handle a lady

Author: Team Totally Awesome
Posted: 15 May 2004

Dear TTA,
I'm a 33 year old Gamer, Who hasn't been on a date, and I live with my mom. Recently I met a girl at a strip club who asked me out on a date, but she isn't returning my calls. What do I do?
- Confused in Massachusetts

Wait. If you're a 33-year-old gamer and you're in a strip club, the only thing they're asking for is a lap dance. My advice is that this is a lie. My advice is to stop watching your porno and take a bath.

Was she a stripper? If she was a stripper, then she didn't give you her real number and you should just abandon the whole idea. If she wasn't a stripper, I don't know. If she wasn't a stripper, then she was too drunk to remember she gave you her number. Therefore, you should stop calling her immediately because she's never going to return your phone call.

I'd like to add that in light of Tony's advice, it inspired me to add "please, please kill yourself."

Girl just wanted singles. She wanted your money. She's a bitch. Go to Nevada and get yourself a whore. 300 dollars for some fine poon. Life is unfair. Last night, I fucked someone.

Buy a ring. Propose in a crowd, like at the strip club, so that she can't turn you down without public pressure. Then fight off the bouncers. Once you've done all that, call it a victory. Spend about six months with her and tap that ass until you get bored, then propose to another stripper. Rinse, repeat. I don't know. I got nothing.

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