Team Totally Awesome
Opinion/Editorial Reviews Humor Vice Advice Boobsquad Forums

How to avoid crotch rot and still get laid!

Author: Team Totally Awesome
Posted: 22 Aug 2004

Dear TTA and Boobsquad members alike:

I'm at a point in life where lady love it seems, has no favor for me. However, folks without a strong survival instinct BUT in possession of vaginas have apparently decided that I'm the flavor of the month.
My question is this... How do you find out whether a girl has the crotch-rot while neither trusting their honesty nor killing the romance of primal humping against the wall by waiting for test results to return... and presuming (or pretending) that they are taint-free, how does one let them know that other than a few good laughs and a durable cock they ain't getting anything from me?
I'm headed down a path of sin, and it feels right!!!
Please Team Totally Awesome and Boobsquad gals, advise me on how to become "that guy" without putting my prick at risk.

A two faced hard humping heartless crazy motherfucker
Also known as Lenny

Well, as for the first, they recently started making these magical things called condoms. Invest in a few, it's the only way you're going to get away with screwing around and not also wind up with the herpes, genital warts, or, hell, even a baby. I can't believe you even had to ask about that bit. Sheesh. The second to make clear "no strings attatched" is a little trickier. I suggest trying to work it into the conversation as much as possible. You can even make something up, like how you just got out of a major relationship and you're not ready to love're likely never going to see this girl again if you play your cards right, so what does it matter? Honesty is the best policy when bagging sluts...believe it or not, there are quite a few ladies out there who aren't looking for commitment, just a "fuck stick" or "a ride on the baloney pony" (I will *never* get tired of saying that).

It is not my place to argue about morality here...oh to hell with it, you asked my opinion and so now you are going to get it, you are a crappy human being, and as such, you'll get yours in the end. However, before then, to save your pecker (and to help out any girls who wouldn't want to be catching anything from you) I would suggest the use of these novel little things called condoms. Unless you live in a cave, or some forsaken southern state, you've probably heard of them. Wear two.

On the practical side of things, I don't think you're really going to be able to get Random Chick A that you just met in a bar and who was practically humping your leg on the bar stool to wait around long enough to go get all of the miscellaneous tests and then remember your name afterward. Not to mention that some of the more important ones will be at least somewhat out-of-date. My recommendation: stick with condoms, at least that gets you mostly covered -- and to keep the girls coming back for more, bring lube, the tiny amount they put on those things is a joke and rubber is not the best-feeling stuff. I assume you're already familiar with the trick of putting a little lube in the tip of the condom for yourself. Best of luck with the girlies!

Part A: As in, speaking of the crotch rot:

This isn't genius, but obviously condoms are a large part of your answer, and a full frontal exam (which could be in erotic guise) is another part, as most of the crotch rottedness that can be caught around protection is mostly something that shows. The rules go something like this:

1) If it is oozing puss, green gook, or red stuff, doesn't matter what it is, don't touch it.

2) If the red stuff is related to a period, it's ok, but if it is coming out anywhere else, beware. If it is coming out everywhere, that is called Ebola.

3) If their skin is coming off, that is bad news. I do not care if the friction feels good, go and take a shower.

4) If you are tit-fucking and her tits come off in your hands, they are not cool detachable boobs. That is time to disinfect.

But seriously, you should be honest enough with the lady and sure enough with the lady that you can either have her show you some goddamn documentation, or not even have to ask.

Part B: In which we discuss not being able to give anything other than a little "durable cock action."

Lay out rules, what you will and won't commit to, what's not good, what's good, etc,, before the first time you get it on. It may lose you a lady for the evening, but it's worth it if, after that evening, you were gonna be stuck with a psycho bitch ("so you're my boyfriend now, right?" the next morning sort of thing) for eternity. I suggest something like "Listen, I don't know what's going to go on tonight, or any other time, but (insert speech about what you can't, won't, AND will do, the will is important, or the chica will feel like meat and you don't get any)."

Anyways, that's all I got. I mean, it's not the best scientific analysis on the subject as I literally got 4 hours of sleep in the past 36, but i'm sure you'll find your way.

 ·  None posted

  · site updates
  · exclusives
  · previews
Video Game Reviews - Insult Swordfighting
Mitch Krpata's Video Game Reviews - Boston Phoenix
Morphine Nation
Only Paper Dolls
The Pop Cult
MAGGERific Designs
More pimpin'...
All text, images, and design ©2003-2018 Team Totally Awesome unless otherwise noted